|| my mind wont shut up
starts up her laptop and takes a drink of her bottled water hopeing her journal wont be such a freaking asshole this time and let her update. She clicks on the link to her journal and starts to make a locked entry, (well, so she thinks..evil journal) mainly for reasons of not letting people know how 'head over heals' she is for Ioan, though she remembers, so she thinks, she told him she loved him back at that night when she slept. A palm goes to her for head and she shakes her head. 'It's not a bad thing I told him right? The worst thing he could say is he doesnt feel that way about me..right?' She sighs and lets everything go.
So I spent the feb. 15th night with Ioan. Jesus it felt great to sleep knowing that someone you care alot for is right there next to you and their not going to let anything happen to you. I guess he's what I've been missing all a long. I cant explain it really, it just feels like he was put on this (not so bad anymore) earth to help me and to just be there for me. I dont know what I'd do if I didnt have him...ok, so I do know, but I'm not going to tell anyone, its not such a good thing. oh wait, no one can see this. well then, ten to one if I didnt have him I'd either be in one of three places.
1)behind bars on death roq for snapping and going to kill, touture, maim, be head, gut....yeah, my mother.
2)I would of tried to kill myself and I'd be six feet under by now.
3)Dead from the lack of sleep. People can die if their body doesnt get enough of it. I dont get it some times, we can go days / weeks without food and water, but if we do that with sleep our bodys shut down on its own...confuseing.
So I guess you can say me meeting Ioan could of damn well saved my life. From the moment I saw him walk in to the main building with Greg, I was drawn to him like a fly to suger or some stupid analagie like that. And ever since that day I cant get him out of my fucking head. He's in there all the time wether if I'm with him or not. Some way some how, hes just always there, helping me through all of this shit. I dont see what he sees in me though, theres alot of beautiful people in this place, hell, even some of the teaches are pretty cute. All I know is I'm glad hes does for whatever his reasons.
...I love him. With everything I have inside and god so much more. I dont know what it is about him, but I love him. Everything I find out about him wether it be good or bad tends to make me fall that much faster for him, if I'm not already there... His eyes look as if though they can look deep in to me and see all my problems. His voice so calming and reasuring for me. His lips...soft as can be when pressed against mine.
Jesus I'm scared. What if I mess this up? What if something happens? Stop, I cant think like that. He once told me that "if only's will drive you fucking insane, Kirsten" And hes right. I cant let the what if and if onlys get to me. I have him now, right at this moment, even though hes in his cabin sick or was sick..or something. I havent seen him for a few days, I miss him alot. But I know I cant be around him 24/7 he'd get sick of me so fast It'd be shit.
So I guess thats about it..oh yeah, I have a letter from 'mother.' I'm not going to read it, I'm tired of her fucking with my life. I'm not even her child anymore, so she can just back the fuck off before I get smart and sue her for harrasment.
I love Ioan, its a fact now. Let's just hope he feels the same way about me..if not, then please god dont let him tell me..or have him tell me..fuck, I dont know. All I know is I do love him. I'm sorry Ioan, but I cant help it.
She sighs and talks to herself. 'yeah, I'm very sorry for telling you how I felt if you dont even think of me like that...we could be just dateing and nothing more, or we could just be friends dateing...' she sighs again. 'Jesus, I've never loved someone this much. Fuck, I've actually never loved anyone before unless you count my dad and animals...'she covers her face and sighs yet again. She hits the update button and turns her laptop off laying back down in her bed just stareing off into nothing wondering what Ioans doing right now.